{"id":5403,"date":"2011-06-11T17:05:53","date_gmt":"2011-06-12T00:05:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/?p=5403"},"modified":"2019-08-07T20:05:29","modified_gmt":"2019-08-08T03:05:29","slug":"saying-yes-in-difficult-family-situations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/?p=5403","title":{"rendered":"Saying “YES” in difficult family situations"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>I recently conducted a “Say YES to everything – on your own terms” seminar based on the material from “”Just say “NO” isn’t as simple as it seems” article.  For the seminar, I added several family oriented scenarios.<\/p>\n

In the previous article we talked about the advice “Just Say No” to things when you’re feeling overwhelmed.   We mentioned saying “no” to life and its opportunities is a resistive, defensive and negative attitude producing additional stress. But sometimes it’s difficult to imagine how to say “YES” in certain circumstances.   But with practice, it becomes easier.<\/p>\n

Family Oriented Scenarios:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here are some additional scenarios to illustrate \u201cSay YES\u201d in family situations.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Your 11 year old son wants to go to a new friend\u2019s house to watch an R rated Ninja movie.  The new friend is 14 and the get-together will be unsupervised.<\/li>\n
  2. Your 17 year old daughter is about to go to a party.  She\u2019s been a typical teenager and not forthcoming on the type of party it will be.<\/li>\n
  3. Your 15 your old son is planning a prank at school.<\/li>\n
  4. Your 20 year old daughter isn\u2019t going to work or school.  She is living at home and has the attitude that she can do whatever she wants because she\u2019s an adult now.<\/li>\n
  5. Your spouse wants to live on the ocean and you want to live in the city.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    How do I \u201cSay Yes to everything \u2013 on my own terms<\/strong>\u201d in these cases?<\/p>\n

    Clearly articulate your goal: <\/strong><\/p>\n

    One suggestion is clearly articulate your goal or purpose in raising your children.  One example could be:<\/p>\n

    “My dominate intent is to help my children have a wonderful life.  I want them to be happy, healthy and safe.  Therefore, I must find a way of helping them to empower themselves \u2013 by helping them to seek their own guidance, not mine. “<\/em><\/p>\n

    <\/em>Scenario 1) <\/em> Keeping your purpose and dominate intention in mind, figure out what is making you uncomfortable about this situation.<\/p>\n

    You\u2019ve taking your son to similar Ninja movies.   The R rating doesn\u2019t really bother you; the rating is because of the choreographed violence.  You and your son have discussed this stuff in the past.  You\u2019re not concerned about that. It\u2019s that the visit is unsupervised and you have not met the family yet (either his friend or the parents).  The fact that the new friend is a few years older is also a little concerning.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cI think it\u2019s great that you found a new friend.  I understand this new friend just recently moved into town and is new in school.  I\u2019ve very proud that you went out of your way to make him feel welcomed.  I know he is a bit older, which made it all the more difficult for you to approach him and be his friend.  I\u2019m really proud of you.  I bet he doesn\u2019t have many friends yet.  I\u2019ve also heard lots of good things about that Ninja movie.  I think you will really like it.<\/p>\n

    As always, I want you to be happy, healthy and safe.  So \u2013 what I\u2019m concerned about is the safety part.  I don\u2019t feel good about the get-together being unsupervised. That\u2019s the part that is bothering me.  \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u2026.<\/p>\n

    \u201cYes \u2013 Yes  — I know that your new friend is 14 years old.  And his parents are obviously comfortable with leaving him alone and unsupervised.  BUT \u2013 I haven\u2019t met him or his parents, yet.  And I don\u2019t know how he how he behaves when his parents are not around.  \u2018Because he is 14\u2019 \u2013 just doesn\u2019t do it for me.  After I meet him and get to know his folks, I will be much more comfortable.  But \u2013 right now \u2013 I\u2019m not comfortable.  I want you safe.  Let\u2019s try to figure out a way that we both can be happy about you spending time with this new friend.<\/p>\n

    What if I called the parents and figured out a way that the stay-over is supervised.  If they cannot be there, I\u2019ll be happy to go over there.  If they are uncomfortable having a stranger in their house, we can have the stay-over here.  That way you still get to visit with your friend and watch the movie.<\/p>\n

    Maybe you have another idea?  Let\u2019s figure this out together.<\/p>\n

    Scenario 2) Keeping your purpose and dominate intention in mind, figure out what is making you uncomfortable about this situation.<\/p>\n

    Even though your daughter has been a typical teenager, you trust that she has a good head on her shoulders.  She\u2019s a good athlete and takes care of her body.   She is conscientious about what she puts in her body.  Her future in sports is important to her.  You trust her.  Your concern is \u201cthe others\u201d.  You realize that there probably will be drinking or possibly drugs at this party.  You want to keep her safe, happy and healthy.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cThat party sounds like a lot of fun.  And I\u2019m really glad you\u2019re taking time to let loose and have some fun.  You\u2019ve been working so hard on school and your sports.  Like I said before — Congratulations on that final exam score.  With all the other things you were juggling (school, sports, part-time job), keeping your grades up like that is amazing.  You\u2019re amazing.  You deserve some time with friends.<\/p>\n

    But my main intention is that you be happy, healthy and safe.  So \u2013 the thing that is bothering me in this case is that \u2013 well \u2013 I know friends at this age experiment with alcohol and drugs.  You being an athlete, I know you\u2019re really careful what you put into your body.  I know you don\u2019t want to jeopardize any scholarship or tournament wins over one party night.  I know you have inner guidance that has gotten you this far and will continue to guide you toward even greater success.  I know all of that.  I feel really good about all of that.  But I also want to keep you safe. I also know about group-think and peer pressure.  So —  if something happens at the party that makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel \u201coff\u201d (going against your inner guidance) in any way, can we figure out a safe exit plan for you?  Would you feel comfortable calling me at any hour to pick you up?  Or do you feel better calling Aunt Sally?  Or maybe we make a pact that you will walk over next door to Mrs. Johnson\u2019s house and stay there until Aunt Sally picks you up?  Let\u2019s figure out an escape plan that we both feel good about \u2013 to keep you both safe and happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Scenario 3)  Keeping your purpose and dominate intention in mind, figure out what is making you uncomfortable about this situation.  Boys will be boys.  Often times \u201cpulling a prank\u201d is the \u201cadmission fee\u201d into the \u201ccool gang\u201d.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cKeith.  Thank you for coming to me with this situation.  It\u2019s quite a dilemma.  Tell me why you want to do this prank?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cYeah \u2013 I sure wouldn\u2019t want to be seen as a whuss either.  But what do you think would happen \u2013 as a consequence – of this prank?  Do you think you will get expelled or just detention?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cYeah \u2013 I think you\u2019re probably right.  Detention should be about right, although Principle Jager tends to make examples of folks this time of year.   Getting detention also means you\u2019ll be missing football practice.  Coach Stephens kicks folks off the team that miss 3 practices.  You\u2019ve already missed?? How many now?? \u2013 ah 2 practices.  So this will be three.  How do you feel about that?  I guess that\u2019s okay if you no longer want to play football.   Are you still interested in playing football?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cah \u2013 okay.  Well \u2013 I can\u2019t tell you what to do, but pulling this prank doesn\u2019t seem in line with your overall goal to stay on the team.  And that\u2019s were all those cool folks are.  Let see if we can\u2019t figure out a way to avoid the prank and save face with the cool gang.\u201d<\/p>\n

    NOTE \u2013<\/strong> This is a modification from a real-life story shared by a friend of mine.  Her son was engineering a \u201cfood-fight\u201d at lunch.  After talking it out with her, he decided to secretly inform a teacher in the morning.  The teachers then had all the classes each lunch in their rooms that day.  The \u201cfood-fight\u201d prank was neutralized, and he saved face.  I think that was pretty cool.<\/p>\n

    Scenario 4)  Keeping your purpose and dominate intention in mind, figure out what is making you uncomfortable about this situation.<\/p>\n

    At this age your daughter is an adult.<\/em><\/p>\n

    At this age, they need to seek their own guidance, not yours.  At the same time, you don\u2019t feel like enabling this attitude of entitlement and disrespect.  You\u2019re stuck with the idea \u201cMy Home, My Rules\u201d.  She\u2019s stuck on the idea \u201cI\u2019m an adult. You cannot tell me what to do.\u201d  You guys are both right to feel the way you do.  It\u2019s an uncomfortable situation for everyone.<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cHoney, you are right.  You are an adult.  And I do want you to seek your own guidance, and follow your own path.  I do want you to stand-on-own, provide for yourself, and answer to yourself.  You are right.<\/p>\n

    Responsible adults that \u201cstand-on-their-own\u201d pay for their room and board.  If you were living on your own, you would have to pay rent, groceries, and clothing.  You would do your laundry; pay your gas, electric, phone and entertainment bills.  Right now, you don\u2019t have a job, so it\u2019s hard for you to move out of my house.  I understand that.  If you had stayed in school, you could probably get a better paying job and afford a better place to life. Or even afford to move out faster.<\/p>\n

    I also know that sometimes landlords use bartering systems to give tenants a break in the rent.  For instance, if the tenant keeps the law mowed and does repairs around the house, the landlord takes XX amount off on the rent.  So \u2013 I think you should look for another place to live.  Finding a job that pays well, will enable you to move out and live on your own.<\/p>\n

    In the meantime \u2013 while you are looking, let\u2019s come up with a landlord-tenant agreement of our own.  Let\u2019s work something out that will make this living condition livable for both of us.<\/p>\n

    Let\u2019s start with $xxxx for both room and board per month. We can negotiate various forms of bartering to reduce the monthly rent.  For instance, I pay XX for mowing the lawn, XX for grades B and above.  I pay XX for housekeeping.  I pay XX for etc.  What else can we include as barter.\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cAh \u2013 yes \u2013 appreciate that you enjoy doing that, but I don\u2019t really need that job done.  So there\u2019s no value for me in paying for that task.  What other things can you think of? \u2026 Yes \u2013 that\u2019s a great idea.  I would like that done.  Yes\u2026.let\u2019s put that down.\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201c Okay \u2013 So whatever you commit to and accomplish, will be deducted from that month\u2019s rent.  If rent is late, there is a $xx fee for every week it\u2019s late.  If you are X weeks late, eviction process will start.  \u201c<\/p>\n

    **If you are uncomfortable taking money from your children, place the rent collection in a savings account for them.  Then surprise them with it when they do move out.<\/p>\n

    Scenario 5)  You and your spouse seems to have opposite desires regarding where to live.<\/p>\n

    Read the article <\/em>\u201cCompromising often leaves both sides wanting \u201c for the answer to the above.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    I recently conducted a “Say YES to everything – on your own terms” seminar based on the material from “”Just […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1508,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"give_campaign_id":0,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"default","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,6,1,847,849],"tags":[39,33,64,17,3],"class_list":["post-5403","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-goals","category-communications","category-miscellaneous","category-self-leadership","category-team-leadership","tag-best-practices","tag-common-sense","tag-communication","tag-lessons-learned","tag-team-building"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5403","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1508"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5403"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5403\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14368,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5403\/revisions\/14368"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5403"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5403"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5403"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}