{"id":5232,"date":"2011-02-08T17:18:17","date_gmt":"2011-02-09T00:18:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/?p=5232"},"modified":"2010-10-26T18:33:55","modified_gmt":"2010-10-27T01:33:55","slug":"compromising-often-leaves-both-sides-wanting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/?p=5232","title":{"rendered":"Compromising often leaves both sides wanting"},"content":{"rendered":"

Compromising is a lose\/lose proposition, because it often leaves both sides wanting.<\/p>\n

A <\/em>\"photo<\/a><\/em>friend and I planned to take advantage of the lovely autumn day.\u00a0 We scheduled a meet at an outdoor caf\u00e9.\u00a0 When my friend arrived, I had already situated myself at a table in a sun<\/em>ny part of the patio.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, there.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019ve forgotten my sun glasses.\u00a0 Do you mind if we move to that shady table over there?\u00a0 Then I won\u2019t have to squint at you all afternoon.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh \u2013 well, I actually tried that table earlier and it was a little too chilly for me.\u00a0 The sun really warms up the air.\u00a0 But I don\u2019t want you to have to squint.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWell \u2013 then let\u2019s just sit in the car and talk.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cmmm \u2013 Let\u2019s try one thing first.\u00a0 Let\u2019s move that table to the right.\u00a0 Then half will be in the sun for me, and half will be in the shade for you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

He agreed and we moved the table to be half sunny and half shaded.<\/em><\/p>\n

While this is a simple story, it does illustrate a good point \u2013 if you take the time to actually understand both sides of the issue, majority of the time there\u2019s a solution that makes everyone happy.\u00a0\u00a0 Although \u201ccompromising\u201d is a common negotiation tactic, often times it leaves both sides wanting.<\/p>\n

I much prefer Comprehending over Compromising.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the above story, if my friend and I had settled for the \u201csitting in the car\u201d solution \u2013 we would have both forfeited our common goal of enjoying the beautiful weather.\u00a0 Spending that little extra time understanding our individual situations allowed us to create a solution that was a Win\/Win.\u00a0 A Win\/Win solution is not a compromise but the collaboration of wants.<\/p>\n

But \u2013 don\u2019t you need to compromise in most relationships? <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

This is only true if you accept that premise.\u00a0 A compromise is actually a short-cut.\u00a0 Take for instance the thought that one spouse wants to live on the ocean and the other wants to live in the city.\u00a0 It\u2019s difficult to imagine how both people could be happy.\u00a0 It seems that one or both might have to compromise.<\/p>\n

Well \u2013 first step is to understand why<\/em><\/strong> the other wants what they want.\u00a0 For example, one spouse wants to live on the ocean because:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. He enjoys the fresh air.<\/li>\n
  2. He enjoys the relaxing sounds off the water at night.<\/li>\n
  3. He enjoys swimming and other water activities.<\/li>\n
  4. He wants an easy yard (or no yard) to maintain.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Once explained, his wife realizes that she also enjoys all of the above.<\/p>\n

    She wants to live in the city because:<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. She likes to stay active in other non-water hobbies that are easily accessible in the city<\/li>\n
    2. She likes going to the gym, movies and shopping<\/li>\n
    3. She likes meeting her friends at her favorite lunch spots<\/li>\n
    4. She is responsible for much of the house chores, and doesn\u2019t want to drive a long distance to accomplish her tasks.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      He realizes that he wants those things as well.<\/p>\n

      None of their desires were actually tied to the ocean or the city. \u00a0 Those were just assumptions that they each made.\u00a0 They actually want the same things.\u00a0 Taking the time to focus on the essence of their wants (the \u201cwhy\u201d they wanted it) helps clarify what they really wanted.\u00a0 After clarifying what they really wanted, they were able to find a house on a lake within the city limits (and near an easily accessible highway).\u00a0 This home covered all their goals without compromising what each of them truly wanted.<\/p>\n

      Treating people the way I want to be treated.<\/strong><\/p>\n

      Another phrase I hear often and somewhat disagree with is:\u00a0 The key to my success is treating people the way I want to be treated.<\/em><\/p>\n

      I much prefer:\u00a0 To be truly successful I want enjoy treating people they way THEY<\/strong> want to be treated.<\/em><\/p>\n

      <\/em><\/p>\n

      I realize that at first glance, this statement is a head scratcher.\u00a0 But there are two critical points in the above statement.<\/p>\n

      The first is \u201ctreating people they way they<\/strong> want to be treated\u201d \u2013 not necessarily how I would like to be treated.\u00a0 Not everyone is like me (my friends would say, \u201cthank goodness!\u201d).\u00a0 So, to treat everyone as if they were me is absurd.<\/p>\n

      \"from<\/a>Another example (and this is an exaggerated example meant only for illustrative purposes):\u00a0 Sally Saint is a \u201cgiver\u201d.\u00a0 She loves to give, compliment, help others, dote to the extreme, serve, mother, etc.\u00a0 She is, however, very uncomfortable in the receiving mode.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t like to accept any help.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t like to be served or receive gifts.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t want any acknowledgements or recognition of any type.\u00a0 So, if she truly<\/strong> treated people they way she wanted to be treated, she would not help, dote, compliment or try to please anyone.\u00a0\u00a0 She would also be miserable, because she is going against her natural instincts.\u00a0 So, her perfect matches are people that are good receivers, moochers, users, beggars and takers who feel entitled (exaggerating for illustrative purposes).\u00a0 These two types of people (the giver and the taker) complement and are harmony with each other.\u00a0 These puzzle pieces fit together.<\/p>\n

      The second point is that \u201cI want to enjoy\u201d treating people the way they want to be treated (i.e. do these things in joy<\/strong>).\u00a0 For me to be happy, the \u201cway they want to be treated\u201d needs to fit my personality.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If those things are outside my comfort zone, or I feel that I am constantly compromising and negotiating to keep the other person happy then I won\u2019t be a happy camper.\u00a0 I will eventually resent the person and will dislike the person I have become.\u00a0\u00a0 If I\u2019m doing these things in joy because I love doing these things, because that is already who I am \u2013 then it\u2019s very easy, natural and instinctual for me.\u00a0 I am not compromising.\u00a0 I\u2019m getting exactly what I need out of the relationship and they are too.\u00a0 In a relationship like this, I often feel that I\u2019m getting the better end of the deal, and the other person feels they are getting the best end.\u00a0 It\u2019s a perfect combination.\u00a0 For this collaboration to balance our needs rarely are the same thing; instead they are complementary and harmonious.<\/p>\n

      You\u2019re talking about a soul mate.\u00a0 Not every relationship is like that.<\/strong><\/p>\n

      All relationships (whether a professional, personal, or a passing relationship) can fit this example.\u00a0 It\u2019s very evident in marketing.\u00a0 A \u201cseller\u201d doesn\u2019t seek other \u201csellers\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0 A \u201cseller\u201d looks for a \u201cbuyer\u201d.\u00a0 A golf instructor isn\u2019t looking for someone wanting to learn to swim.\u00a0 You don\u2019t want to make \u201ceveryone happy\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0 You want to attract and deal with people (whether in your professional or personal life) that are already \u201cin tuned\u201d and \u201cup to speed\u201d with what you want to offer. \u00a0Those are the collaborations that are the most fun and successful.<\/p>\n

      Conclusion:<\/strong><\/p>\n

      So \u2013 think about Comprehension over Compromising; choose Finding the fit over Forcing a fit.\u00a0 Preferring these things takes a little more time, but the results are worth it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      Compromising is a lose\/lose proposition, because it often leaves both sides wanting. Another phrase I hear often and somewhat disagree with is: The key to my success is treating people the way I want to be treated.
      \nRead on to see why…..<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1508,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"give_campaign_id":0,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,1,847,849,850],"tags":[41,64,94,17],"class_list":["post-5232","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communications","category-miscellaneous","category-self-leadership","category-team-leadership","category-organizational-leadership","tag-building-executive-support","tag-communication","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-lessons-learned"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5232","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1508"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5232"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5232\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5232"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5232"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5232"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}