{"id":5199,"date":"2011-02-10T12:13:11","date_gmt":"2011-02-10T19:13:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/?p=5199"},"modified":"2011-01-28T19:20:01","modified_gmt":"2011-01-29T02:20:01","slug":"what-do-you-do-when-it%e2%80%99s-someone-else-that-is-stressing-you-out","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/?p=5199","title":{"rendered":"What do you do when it\u2019s someone else that is STRESSING YOU OUT!!!!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>This is a little snippet from my Raleigh presentation at the Total Health Seminar.\u00a0 The Total Health Seminar is packed with life-changing stories, stress management strategies, nutrition tips, pain management information, financial advice, and relationship expertise.
\nThis is a rotating seminar offered by local experts, including: life coach Laura Rose, nutritionist Tonya Peels, holistic health practitioner Carole Hoffman, financial adviser Adam Whitesell, and family, marriage and couple therapist Lesli Doares. \u00a0 Let me know if you would like something similar in your area.<\/p>\n

An audience member asked \u201cBut what do you do when it\u2019s someone else that is STRESSING YOU OUT!!!!<\/p>\n

Good News: <\/em> No one outside of you can STRESS YOU OUT.<\/p>\n

Remember<\/strong>.\u00a0 Stress is the way that you react <\/em><\/strong>physically, mentally and emotionally to various conditions, changes and demands in your life.\u00a0 It\u2019s the way YOU REACT<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 YOU, YOU, YOU.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s never \u201csomeone else\u201d:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The other person\u2019s actions aren\u2019t the catalyst to your stress.\u00a0 It\u2019s what you are thinking about or beliefs about what the other person is doing that is causing you stress.<\/p>\n

For instance:<\/em> What if a friend is drinking or smoking more than you would like them to do.\u00a0 You are constantly bothered by it, or stressed over it.\u00a0 It\u2019s not the fact that this person is drinking or smoking that is causing you stress.\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s that you have the belief that drinking, smoking are \u201cbad\u201d and you do not agree with it.\u00a0 It\u2019s the fact that drinking or smoking is not YOUR<\/em><\/strong> preference on how to behave.<\/p>\n

If, instead, you had the belief that your friend is a full grown adult, with their own body and their own belief systems, then you might feel that they should be allowed to do whatever they want with their own body \u2013 as they see fit.\u00a0 If you believed that way, then you would not be stressed over the fact that they are drinking or smoking.\u00a0 If you believe that you have no control over what another person puts in their bodies, then it would not stress you that they are following their own preferences and not yours.\u00a0 The next thought you might have is \u2013 since my preference is to be around people that do not smoke or drink (and I think it\u2019s a safer environment for my family and myself), maybe this person is not a good match for me.\u00a0 Maybe I want to surround myself with more friends that are more in harmony with my beliefs.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut if that person loved me \u2013 he would quit smoking and drinking in order to stay with me!\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Well \u2013 the person could choose to quit smoking and drinking because is matches HIS belief system.\u00a0 If the person believed that smoking and drinking has a bad affect on his family, friends and himself, he might choose to quit.\u00a0 If the reason he started smoking and drinking in the first place has disappeared or is no longer a priority in his life, the person could choose to quit.\u00a0 But that is his decision to make.\u00a0 I am not saying people cannot change.\u00a0 People are constantly changing.\u00a0 All I am saying is that the most effective change comes from the individual\u2019s desire to change.\u00a0 Not from your desire for the other person to change.\u00a0 And your attitude or belief that someone else needs to change in order for you to be happy is actually the cause of your stress.<\/p>\n

Easier said than done \u2013 I very much agree.\u00a0 Changing our attitudes and thoughts on this is difficult, especially if it’s become our default mode or habit (practiced thought). \u00a0 It is difficult but doable.<\/p>\n

Taking the example to the office:<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Now let\u2019s say you\u2019re a project manager for a high profile project with 5 members on your team.\u00a0 I am willing to bet that you have experienced some projects, in which not all members put in the same amount of effort or bring the same level of skill, talent enthusiasm to the table every day.<\/p>\n

Perhaps 3 of the 5 members are sufficiently pulling the project-cart up the hill.\u00a0 One person is actually just walking besides the cart.\u00a0 The last person seems like they are actually sitting in the cart \u2013 making everything a tad harder for the rest of the crew.\u00a0 Both of the low-performing individuals are \u201cSTRESSING YOU OUT\u201d.<\/em><\/strong> But remember \u2013 the fact that they are not doing their jobs isn\u2019t what is really stressing you out.\u00a0 It\u2019s actually your reaction or response to their lack-luster performances.\u00a0 It’s the fact that you think they should be pulling their own weight (and they are not) that is stressing you out.<\/p>\n

There are normally several options available to you (not limited to these below):<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. You can sit on your hands and continue to resent the people not doing their best to get the cart up the hill.<\/li>\n
  2. You can give everyone the benefit of the doubt that the two low-performing people will eventually step up.<\/li>\n
  3. You can badger folks into working harder and longer to meet the slipping schedule<\/li>\n
  4. You can redistribute the people\u2019s tasks such that the top 3 performers are now doing 5 people\u2019s work.<\/li>\n
  5. You can postpone or delay the delivery, release or event<\/li>\n
  6. You can eliminate features or reduce the scope of the project that is more doable for 3 people.<\/li>\n
  7. You can re-arrange tasks to make sure everyone is assigned to the tasks that best fit their talent and skill.\u00a0 You can better articulate the expectations, deadlines and reasons for doing these important tasks.\u00a0 (Often time\u2019s lack-luster performances are a result of mismatched expectations, skills and assignment.\u00a0 If you have these things to do and only these people to do it \u2013 sometimes the skills available and the things to DO NOT MATCH \u2013 which means you do not have the right team in place. )<\/li>\n
  8. You can get a replacement that is better suited for the undone tasks, and dump the cart-riding fellow to the curb.<\/li>\n
  9. You can do a combination of the above at appropriate points in the project.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    After giving the \u201ccart-riding\u201d person every opportunity to participate and making sure all the tasks are aligned appropriately to each person\u2019s skills and talents, replacing is the more positive step because it also motivates the person \u201cwalking beside the cart\u201d to start pulling along with the others.<\/p>\n

    More often than not \u2013 changing the way you respond to external catalysts will reduce (or heighten) your stress level.\u00a0 When this is true, the external event isn\u2019t causing the stress.<\/p>\n

    Conclusion:<\/strong> Blaming others for how we are feeling has some temporary advantages.\u00a0 It allows us to relax because we feel that \u201cit\u2019s not our fault\u201d.\u00a0 But the attitude or belief that someone else<\/strong> needs to change in order for us to be happy is actually the cause of much of our stress.\u00a0\u00a0 Since we can not efficiently and consistently make anyone make us happy,\u00a0 this is an exhausting and unsatisfactory solution.\u00a0 Therefore the most benefit comes when we acknowledge that we control our own thoughts and feelings.\u00a0 And that we also\u00a0 create or eliminate our stress.\u00a0 This decision is a very liberating and empowering realization.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    This is a little snippet from my Raleigh presentation at the Total Health Seminar.\u00a0 The Total Health Seminar is packed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1508,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"give_campaign_id":0,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,8,6,1,847,849],"tags":[195,39,33,64,1370,17,46],"class_list":["post-5199","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-goals","category-priorities-2","category-communications","category-miscellaneous","category-self-leadership","category-team-leadership","tag-accountability","tag-best-practices","tag-common-sense","tag-communication","tag-leadership","tag-lessons-learned","tag-teamwork"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5199","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1508"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5199"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5199\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5199"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5199"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/svapm.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5199"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}